It’s the same dream every night.
You come back. You tell me you love me and you’re sorry for leaving me in the dark with demons you know I can’t handle.
I run my fingers through your hair and crave those green eyes.
I’ve missed you I utter over the lump in my throat.
And you say it back with our eyes locked and I can feel the heart beating in your chest against mine and everything feels right in the world again.
Our lips touch and I melt into you like I always did. I feel your soft peach fuzz against mine as our faces brush against each other and you wrap your arms around me.
But as soon as it begins it’s over.
I always wake up and my stomach does a sickening summersault.
The world feels dark and lonely, my heart skips a few beats and my eyes fill with salty water.
I check my phone but you’re name isn’t on it. I wonder what you’re doing and how you’ve been and I hope, I fucking hope with every piece of me that you’re as sad as I am.
But I know you’re not.
I know you probably dreamed of nothing, certainly not me, and you woke without the pain in your chest and nausea. You didn’t cry and you definitely didn’t wonder where I was or what I was doing. You probably are thinking of what assignments you need to do or what test is next and who you will hang out with that night.
And then I wonder what the point is. Why I have to live with this weight and why you’re free and happy. Why you don’t care for me the way I care for you.
I suppress these thoughts with my vices and then the cycle begins again.
I am numb with the realization that the world was never against us.