Confessions

Forgive me mother, for I have sinned. 
The lies and deceit that I have dished out are bubbling up my throat like hot oil and as hard as I try to purge, it still burns.
I want to be the good girl you always wanted, pure and loving with the ability to change the world. 
I fear that may never be me. 
Even in my earliest memories I battled with my demons and I do not say that lightly. There is a darkness inside me that wins more than it loses.
My mind is a prison, filled with scary monsters and pain. Unholy desires and evil you cannot imagine.
Perhaps I should have never been born. 
But I believe there is good in me and I know I have a conscience because it eats me alive. 
I have control issues. I will do anything and everything to remain in control and if I lose it I become destructive. I lash out and the darkness feeds on every moment, growing stronger. 
Like a toddler who didn’t get their way but my tantrums are deadly. 
I cry blood and I infect everything I touch. 
My love is toxic, like mercury it makes the sane lose their minds. 
I promise I didn’t mean it. I promise I meant well and my feelings were genuine, I never wanted to hurt anyone. 
I know I am selfish, but not with possessions or money. I am selfish because when I fix my eyes on something I want, even with the purest intentions, something takes over me and suddenly I leave a trail of bodies behind. Damage I cannot undo all because I needed to have something I didn’t. 
A part of me likes the pain, control and manipulation and it tells me I need those things to survive because the world is cruel so I must be crueler. 
I’m sorry I lie. I’m sorry I cheat. I’m sorry that I let my demons hurt you. 
I don’t like to see the people I love in pain, I hate myself for it. 
Darkness has a silver tongue, it breaks you down with whispers and insecurities. It tells you that you’re not good enough and no one wants you, that it is your only friend. It separates you from the world and uses the alienation to comfort and soothe, coaxing you into its clutches. 
I swear I’m fucking trying but I am not exaggerating when I tell you this internal battle is never ending and never painless. 
I have evil and I have sinned, but I seek redemption and light. I seek to be embraced by love and live honestly but the path of righteousness and good is filled with twisted sidetracks and temptations to be led astray. 
So I lay before you, shaking and raw, asking for forgiveness and a hand to hold that didn’t come with the price of blood.


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