It stormed ferociously the night you left. Thunder shook the house and lightning lit the shadows while darkness covered the time in-between. The power was out and did not return until 3:05 AM. The rain roared down, destroying everything in it’s path as it drowned the streets and uprooted the trees. I was upset because I had gotten the car washed by myself and couldn’t wait to tell you, but the evidence of my accomplishment was washed away. A silly thing to be disappointed about but it felt huge to me, I wanted you to be proud and get that gleam in your eye that you always did when you admired me. But even without the rain you wouldn’t have ever known about my excitement, you wouldn’t have known because you never came home that day, or that night, or the following day, or the following night.
The pain you left me with was unbearable. The world closed in on me and I couldn’t remember what tomorrow looked like, only yesterday, only the clues that I noticed too late. The unexplained silence is what killed me that night, the wondering, the waiting. Would you turn up as a corpse or a monster? I couldn’t decide what would be worse. Regret tastes like toxic waste that sinks into your insides, you want to purge it but it’s already taken effect. I’ve never felt so powerless, so insignificant, so hurt.
I cried until my head was pounding and my throat was raw. I screamed and I cursed and I clenched my jaw and fists but I was still alone. You were still gone, unreachable. I’d rather suffer the pain I felt that night again and again than the shock that followed.
It was a monster that turned up, not a corpse. Although the cryptic rose led me to believe otherwise, you were alive and well while I was left a fool. You hadn’t been forced to leave, you hadn’t made a rash and emotional decision, no. This was planned and kept tucked away from prying eyes until you picked your moment. It was intentional and malicious. It was worse than a corpse. As the closest and most supportive person in your life I was the only one with no goodbye, no conversation. Blind-sighted. Abandoned. Left with nothing but a grocery store rose and an empty hearted envelope. That damage cannot be undone, it can’t be healed, it can’t be remedied or forgotten, it is permanent. Even through my desperate and emotional pleas you stayed cold and unmoved. I didn’t know if living was even possible, I didn’t know if the paralyzing pain would ever end.
As each day without you passed the world became darker and more harsh. The tightness in my chest has yet to cease and my breaths are short and painful. I had no idea an emotional toll could manifest physically all through the body, I had no idea if I could ever get up again. If I would ever recover.
Phase Two: Anger & Acceptance
You pleaded your case but still did not return. The more the puzzle pieces began to come together the hotter my rage burned. The regret shifted to a bitter hatred, a resentment that spread like a wildfire through my chest and up my throat. Still, there was no clarity, no valid reasoning to have been so cruel, no explanation for the pain you had inflicted. Yet I kept a small ray of hope in my mind that you would come back, that this would all be a misunderstanding that could be fixed and dealt with. Any minute I would hear the shuffle and boom of the door and your footsteps echo down the hall. But it never came, you never came.
I found out that you were in town but as quickly as you were here you were gone again. No contact. You didn’t even try to see me. The sadness that I though was burned out by fury returned as sour as before.
I am trying my hardest to persevere through this gloom but I don’t know how strong I am. My demons are taunting me, they smell my weakness, they smell my desires. It is not a matter of if but when, they know I’ll give in and they’re waiting with open arms. You cut me with a razor sharp blade and left me to be eaten alive in a shark tank.
Love is non-existent to me now. I don’t believe in it. If someone you spent every waking moment with, who claimed to love you more than their own soul, could take your deepest scars and turn them into fresh wounds I never want to be loved again.
Nothing is easy but you are supposed to work things out with the people you love. That’s how relationships work. But I guess you don’t understand that.
Life feels like a constant nightmare that I will never escape. Only sleep brings me peace and when I wake I forget for a moment that I am in any pain, it is three seconds of bliss and relief before everything comes crashing down all over again. I cope by becoming more numb as the day goes on and then it repeats.
The worst part is knowing that you’ll never be in my life again. It’s like a culture shock, for so long I lived in your care and suddenly I’m raw and exposed, alone. But there is no going back, there is no us. You can’t blame anyone but yourself for that. It wasn’t my decision, I never wanted this but you’ve forced it on me and now there’s no going back.
If I were to allow you into the wreckage that was my heart it would be masochistic, self sabotage, foolishness. And yet the thought of never being with you again is just as unbearable. Why would you do this to me? A question that still remains unanswered, unexplained, and I will have to accept may never give me closure.
I don’t know where this leaves me but I do know that I will never be the same again. You took something with you that day, a part of me that will scar forever because you cut it out and killed it. And that’s what you wanted because all you are is a monster. And all I am is a fool.