Letters I Never Sent: as

I think you’re beautiful. I think you’ve done so many beautiful things for me and all the people in your life.

I think you’re gorgeous and you don’t even see it. I’m not really sure what you see when you look in the mirror but by the way you treat yourself it hurts me to believe you see something so worthless, grotesque, and unlovable.

You picked me up at a point in my life I wasn’t sure I would get up from and I will never forget that. You, for so long were the light in my dark life, a light that I will always give to you when things get scary.

I love you unconditionally. I would bleed for you. I would kill for you.

When your moods swing low it is hard for me to reach you, in fact it feels more like you try to bring me down with you.

You are a gorgeous lavender glow on a dewy morning until the monsters walk your mind and then you become something else. Something dark and twisted, something that makes you unrecognizable.

I’m sorry that I don’t know how to bring you back when you get to these places, and in that way I feel I may have failed you. Instead of going through the pain of your anger I run and I’m sorry if that makes you feel unloved. I wish I knew better.

Some days I look at you and believe I could truly spend the rest of my life staring into your chocolate eyes, that nothing else would ever make me feel as content and in love. Other days you turn my stomach into knots and my eyes into oceans with tides of bitterness, resentment, and heartache. These days make me never want to speak to you or see you again. Even your face becomes masked in dark shadows.

It was easier when the good days outweighed the bad but now it seems there is almost nothing but darkness when we are near each other.

I know I don’t imagine the hate I see in your eyes when you look at me, I know there used to be only love and admiration there and I am truly sorry I took any part in changing that.

Sometimes I take you for granted. Sometimes I stray. Sometimes I can be cruel. But after all is said and done I love you with my whole soul and I only want you to live your life in complete happiness.

I don’t know where to go from here.

I feel that everything I love about you and all of our issues have open endings. There is nothing I’ve came to peace about and there is nothing I have decided. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going. We are both young and the future holds so many question marks I see no other option but to live in the moment because only then can we best enjoy and appreciate the time we are given.

I guess that’s why I’m writing to you. I want you to live in the moment with me. I don’t know how long we have and I can’t change what has already been done but I want your warm embrace and your bottomless love. I want every moment we are together to be saturated in nothing but pure admiration and gratitude.

I want these moments with you.

Untainted.

To treasure forever no matter what happens. Promise me that.