I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said. Everything you’ve said.
You like the phrase, “You’re going to do what you want to do” and I understand that. I understand that I am willful and I do what I want, when I want, and I don’t really answer to anyone or anything, let alone the wishes of another person. I apologize if that has hurt you in some way but that character trait does not affect my ability to experience pain and love. It does not hinder me from caring for you or anyone else, it is simply a me first mentality. I don’t expect you to feel secure with me, in fact you shouldn’t. I come and go like the tides and could disappear from your life at any given moment. But while I am here you should know that I give my all and I live up to my promises and I’ll never fake a single feeling we share. I am authentic in everything I do and I would never stoop to shallow waters with you. I don’t tie myself to people because I fear commitment and I prefer my freedom. This is something you must understand.
I know my sadness frustrates you.
So yes, I do what I want but I want you to know that my depression is not by choice. I am not sad because I choose to be. I don’t wake up every morning and resist the urge to be happy and normal to punish the world and the people who love me. I am sad because I have wounds deeper than the flesh. I have pain and fear and my head feels crowded. I live in shades of blue that distance me from connecting to other people and enjoying my life. I feel so much that the only way to survive is shut down and block people out. This is why I never stay too long. It is why I take five month breaks before reappearing to you. But with my hurt comes passion and warmth. If I have my eyes fixed on you it is never out of deceit or with harmful intention, it is only the opposite. I will look at you with intoxicating happiness and nothing but pure intentions. Emotions as strong as I have are not for long-term without disaster.
I know none of this will reach you. I know writing this did no one but me any relief and I know even if your eyes scan this you will not understand me and that’s okay. I have lived my life being misunderstood but I will write and create art regardless. You are a safe place when things get too crazy and it’s okay if it never gets any deeper than that. I simply hope that you understand no love, kindness, or support goes unnoticed or unappreciated.
It’s okay that you don’t want to try and fix me anymore. I can’t be fixed. But your effort meant the world to me.